Secret Sauce Recipe
In my early twenties, I bought a refrigerator magnet at a small-town craft fair. Back then, my financial constraints made it so my home décor was mostly magnet-based. This one had a happy-looking cartoon dog next to the words: ‘Be kind to unkind people; it gets to them!’ I remember my bemusement. It was the perfect ‘how-to’ for an ‘up yours,’ complete with a canine role model: smiling and wagging to let those unkind people know they can’t get to you. This ideal act of vengeance has all the satisfaction, with no evidentiary proof of malice. I feel dragged down just by writing that last sentence. Nowadays, that magnet – which is still in our laundry room – conveys something completely different. It’s about fervent compassion. The commitment to elevate others because it does make a difference. Same magnet, same cute dog, same words. Different me, different intention, different application. Thank goodness!
In his SMART stress-management training, the CEO at The Global Center for Resiliency and Wellbeing, the wonderful Dr. Amit Sood highlights that we each get to choose the way we interact with others. This choice impacts how stressful each interaction is. We can choose to be: 1) Transactional; 2) Contentious; or 3) Affiliative.
To bring these choices to life, let’s imagine I drive to the mall and another driver aggressively cuts me off in the parking lot. Later, when I swing open the door to the mall entrance, I notice that same driver walking up behind me. I hold the door open for them, without saying a word. Let’s apply the three types of interactions I can choose for my inner monologue:
Transactional: “You cut me off in the parking lot. I always hold the door open for others; it’s no different for you. This is just what I do. My mom taught me, the training kicks in. I feel nothing for you.”
Contentious: “You cut me off in the parking lot. I’m going to hold the door open for you to prove that I am a better person than you, as a passive-aggressive act of revenge in the hope that it will make you feel bad. I don’t like you.”
Affiliative: “You cut me off in the parking lot. You look overwhelmed and unhappy. I know what that feels like. I am choosing to hold the door open for you to show there are no hard feelings and I hope it will leave you feeling a little bit better. I genuinely wish you well.”
All three of the above narratives look exactly the same to the outside observer: I held the door open for someone. In my inner world, however, they are lightyears apart. Transactional interactions are a missed opportunity. Contentious interactions are destructive; they create additional stress. Affiliative interactions ignite compassion, lower my cortisol level, and leave me feeling energized. We humans are social animals with deeply engrained social needs; affiliation is our life source. The more time we are in affiliation with others, the more positively we affect our stress level, as well as that of those around us. It is challenging to appropriately convey my enthusiasm for such a simple, matter-of-fact lesson; it is a superpower. But wait, there’s more! Affiliative interactions lead to more effective collaboration. This is tremendously consequential at work, where the effectiveness of affiliative interactions really shines. Leaders, I encourage you to take heed; the potential ripples are huge!
‘What is your intention?’ I often ask the leaders I coach, regardless of the situation they are navigating. I am consistently amazed at the potency of this question. It is a source of clarity and empowerment; it cuts through all the inane and destructive drama that can derail us. After all, if my intention is to collaborate effectively, to do great work, and to maximize my contributions, then I will choose the most effective way to interact. Senior Lecturer at MIT, and Founding Chair of the Presencing Institute, the brilliant Otto Scharmer tells us: “The success of an intervention is dependent on the inner place from which I operate.” There it is: the secret sauce. The inner place from which I operate can be transactional, contentious, or affiliative – it is a choice I make.
This practice is deceivingly simple, but not necessarily easy. We contain multitudes. Grant it the germination and grace it deserves. The first step is simply to become aware of your options: done! The next step is to allow this increased awareness to build positive tension. Notice it, it’s supposed to feel uncomfortable. This discomfort will keep reminding you of your choice. It’s there for you on the days you want less stress and greater effectiveness (see what I did there?) If you would like a tiny but mighty visual cue, write these three words on a post it note: ‘My intention is…’ and place it in your daily line of sight. Each time it catches your gaze, you can feel bolstered by the power you hold over the quality of your day.