I See Kind People Ghosting People
“Hi John, I realized that I have overpromised my time and out of respect for you and your time, I want to let you know I can’t continue our conversations. I need to focus on my primary commitments. I am sorry to have misled you; it was not my intention.” Please take a moment to reflect on those words. How would you feel if someone said them to you? How would you feel if you had to say that to someone? What is the alternative to delivering this brief, mildly awkward message? I know! Avoid and ignore; bob and weave; ghost!
My intention in writing this article is to promote the wellbeing of the reader – that’s you; actually, that’s us. I have been on both sides of ‘ghosting’, so this is non-judgmental. Please stick with me, you might feel a little uneasy. Much like with a deep stretch, we can choose to notice the discomfort and lean into it: I am confident we will feel better when we’re done.
Let’s level set before we proceed. I am referring to ‘ghosting’ as it relates to an established connection with a clear expectation of continuation. The ghoster intentionally stops responding to the other person without sharing a reason why, until that person finally stops reaching out. It does not apply to sales calls or affinity groups – it applies to established relationships. I don’t like the term ‘ghosting’. It seems to make light of the harm it causes. More appropriate, less permissive terms would be: Ignoring; Excluding; Marginalizing; or Belittling. If your only takeaway from this piece is to replace ‘ghosting’ with one of those words, I will have left you better off.
In his HBR article ‘How will you measure your life?’, Clay Christensen illustrates how some of the most promising graduates of the most prestigious colleges transform into convicted felons who have destroyed the lives of many; worst of all, their own. Their paths are pockmarked by a steady pattern of what he calls ‘marginal cost mistakes.’ These otherwise intelligent people know right from wrong, and they choose to use extenuating circumstances to justify sidestepping their ethical code. Christensen brings it to life: “Look, I know that as a general rule, most people shouldn’t do this. But in this particular extenuating circumstance, just this once, it’s OK.” They see the short-term marginal cost as negligible, and they dismiss the bigger compounding cost of this skew from their principles. And away they drift. While no one is likely to end up in jail for ‘ghosting’, we do use a similar justification to drift from our values.
What is it that makes the ghosted person finally stop reaching out? A callous answer might be: “They finally get the message.” But what is the message? ‘You’re not worth my time’? ‘I don’t like you, never have’? ‘You annoy me’? What’s the message? It is likely the implied message is far worse than the actual reason I stopped responding. So then, I am choosing to cause more harm to the other person than is necessary. That doesn’t sound like something I would choose. Perhaps I can justify it: just this once because I really don’t have the time or the energy right now. Later, maybe. I know what I am doing… just this once.
Would I describe myself as a person who would knowingly harm another person? Never. Have I ever ‘ghosted’ someone? [with a dropped gaze] I have. So, how can I reconcile these two things? As human beings, ignoring someone until they stop reaching out doesn’t actually provide the relief we might think. In fact, I believe it to be a major ‘marginal cost mistake.’ We trade away a few moments of discomfort (see the mildly awkward message in the first paragraph) in exchange for a self-made stressor that we carry with us indefinitely – it is an open loop, and it’s heavy.
This brings us to the other side of the equation: the impact on the ghoster. Intentionally harming another person doesn’t feel good. I don’t like it, so I push it down, turn away, and I avoid being reminded of it; but I carry it. I can feel it as I type this. Then I add on the ongoing commitment to avoid. When I think I might have caught a glimpse of the person at a conference, or down the aisle at the grocery store: Uh-oh; not today! I engage in stealth mode. Head down, no eye contact, rushing past people, my whole affect changes; I lose connection with those around me, AND the person might not even be there. Regardless of where they are, they’re certainly on my mind. How much energy have I expended on this? What’s my stress level? How do I feel about myself? I don’t ever have to run into this person to experience the stress – the anticipation of the possibility is enough. And here I was thinking I didn’t have time for them! Marginal cost mistake: compounding cost, low return; all of the harm, none of the benefit. Who would choose this!?
If you have found yourself in a similar boat, trust that there’s much we can still do. It’s the purpose of this article. Even old loops can be closed relatively easily. That choice is available to us at any time. Make a call or send a note; clean it up. You have my full permission to use the wording from the first paragraph as a starting point. It’s a one-minute investment with instant, and significant returns. The most important one being a return to your kind and compassionate self. You will be offering immediate relief to the other person, and you will realize an even greater benefit. The way we treat people matters; every interaction counts. It impacts how we feel about ourselves and the authenticity we can bring to the grocery store aisles. You have enough to carry around, please consider putting this one down.